Polls Show 100% of Blacks Agree with Ferguson Decision

After becoming the nation's top news reporter of this blog, I feel I must weigh in on the outrage in Ferguson. When dealing with the gravity of situations as dire as the death of Michael Brown, and the even more upsetting reality that many people wrong felt that the killer of Brown may have actually went as far as killing Brown, I like to turn to the facts that support my take on the situation which make any other facts of no use to me.

Officer Darren Wilson

As soon as I heard about the successful failure of indicting officer Darren Wilson, who is known for sharing a bedroom with an orange puppet on a popular children's television show, I became overwhelmed by how much work I'd have to do in reporting on this. Not only does this require me to write about this news, but I may actually have to go as far as doing research this time. Luckily, I found a way to let other people do the work for me. News outlets across the country have provided lots of numbers and polls that explain the situation in detail, and the twittersphere has provided me with numerous pictures of Martin Luther King Jr. with quotes beside his face that I'm going to guess he said while thinking that one day children of all races will be able to be fatally shot by law enforcement without the fear of the officer suffering any consequences of his actions.

Let me throw some numbers at you. 2... 5... the square root of negative pi. Aside from that, here are some more heartbreaking numbers. 15% of black people think Darren Wilson is the name of a sitcom character on some show they saw one time. Compare that to 85% of white people who answered the same questions. It gets worse. At least 3,459% of white and black people think that polling numbers are misleading. This is your America, people!

Another poll shows that 100% of black people named Bill Cosby think that these riots couldn't have come at a better time. And if you think that 100% figure seems unusual for a poll, another 100% of people answered that Darren Wilson is the best cop in the world if they are only given one answer to this question. It appears the majority has spoken with that figure, and justice has been served.

For a last comment, to all the vile rioters, please remain peaceful if you really want things to change. This article is brought to you by Little Ceaser's Pizza. Pizza pizza.