Recognizing My BLACK Privilege

Citizens, I am angered. Liberal jerkwad known as "The Raging Rev," known mostly for posting pictures of his hamburgers online, is up to spreading white hate again. I have a long running feud with The Rev, dating back to when I first read the headline to his current article and assumed what he wrote in that article.

No worries, citizens. I'm about to make this super lame-o look like a FOOL!

Mr. Rev drones about his "white privilege," or how being born white has helped him out in life. Let me start off with acknowledging the fact that this guy doesn't appear too privileged to me. I don't normally describe anybody that is well into adulthood and still clearly a virgin that scrapes by on minimum wage at a comic book store as privileged. I lived that sad life, and to this day I curse the 80 issues of the Death of Superman I bought thinking they would make me filthy rich. Didn't happen.

Then, Mr. Rev continues to point out that black people don't get the fair chance white people get, because slavery and stuff. I'll have you know, Mr. Rev, that my grandfather Ennis owned white slaves, too. You can see that in my favorite movie, 12 Years a Slave (proving I'm not a racist). Ennis's white slaves had little white slave babies of their own, and those babies had free babies that worked at slave wages for the growing industry of Ennis Farms. One of those babies grew up and became famed singer David Allen Coe. He had the same level playing field as every other white and black.

Mr. Rev continues into whining about how he had job security his whole life, while blacks don't get that sorta cool deal. Guess what? I've never had a job and I'm white. Things were so bad for me, I quit answering the phone the day after I sent out my application. I've busted my hump my whole life trying to find new and creative ways to dodge school. Here's a hint - don't try the things Zack Morris did.

Rev's article just gets silly going on. He begins to claim that what words mean is uncomfortable to talk about when discussing race. Pardon me, but churn that pickle out to Tuesday with flop on Bruce Willis's The Return of Bruno. That's what happens when the meaning of words don't matter. Mr. Rev even goes on to say that white people shouldn't use the "my black friend" defense. As for me (Thurston NeSmith), I think saying that people can't have black friends is racist. If it were your world, I'm sure all white people would have no black friends.

Perhaps Mr. Rev has accepted his own white privilege while wallowing in his improvershed filth of wearing the same old Dr. Who shirt crusted with protein stains. But me? I'm going to embrace my black privilege. I'm not a racist, and I believe that everyone can embrace their own black privilege, and toil the dirt and study a book or something else smart until they become somebody rich, like a Olive Garden chef. Citizens, do not own up to your white privilege. Embrace your black privilege. Be more like me.

Polls Show 100% of Blacks Agree with Ferguson Decision

After becoming the nation's top news reporter of this blog, I feel I must weigh in on the outrage in Ferguson. When dealing with the gravity of situations as dire as the death of Michael Brown, and the even more upsetting reality that many people wrong felt that the killer of Brown may have actually went as far as killing Brown, I like to turn to the facts that support my take on the situation which make any other facts of no use to me.

Officer Darren Wilson

As soon as I heard about the successful failure of indicting officer Darren Wilson, who is known for sharing a bedroom with an orange puppet on a popular children's television show, I became overwhelmed by how much work I'd have to do in reporting on this. Not only does this require me to write about this news, but I may actually have to go as far as doing research this time. Luckily, I found a way to let other people do the work for me. News outlets across the country have provided lots of numbers and polls that explain the situation in detail, and the twittersphere has provided me with numerous pictures of Martin Luther King Jr. with quotes beside his face that I'm going to guess he said while thinking that one day children of all races will be able to be fatally shot by law enforcement without the fear of the officer suffering any consequences of his actions.

Let me throw some numbers at you. 2... 5... the square root of negative pi. Aside from that, here are some more heartbreaking numbers. 15% of black people think Darren Wilson is the name of a sitcom character on some show they saw one time. Compare that to 85% of white people who answered the same questions. It gets worse. At least 3,459% of white and black people think that polling numbers are misleading. This is your America, people!

Another poll shows that 100% of black people named Bill Cosby think that these riots couldn't have come at a better time. And if you think that 100% figure seems unusual for a poll, another 100% of people answered that Darren Wilson is the best cop in the world if they are only given one answer to this question. It appears the majority has spoken with that figure, and justice has been served.

For a last comment, to all the vile rioters, please remain peaceful if you really want things to change. This article is brought to you by Little Ceaser's Pizza. Pizza pizza.

You Blue It

If you live in America, no doubt you've heard today's biggest news headline. A student of Bleckley County High School was sent home from school for having blue hair. Maegan Galloway, who is also known for having parents that were uncertain of the spelling of her first name at birth, rebelliously bucked the system that keeps the state of Georgia strong by dying her hair blue. Galloway was told not to return until she gave a bye job to the dye job.

I've been known to be a defender of the rights of the people, which is why I support the faculty that decided to get rid of this bad egg. Defenders of the school faculty point to the fact that the student handbook clearly informs the students that blue hair dye is not allowed, even though the school handbook doesn't do this at all.  Even more darning is the distraction created by this blue haired demon. Wait... what was I writing about? I was busy looking at this blue hair. It really makes her look cool. The point is, the only way to cure this distraction was by creating a bigger distraction by kicking her out of school. And who knows more about distractions than the faculty of BCHS? After all, they are so busy busting kids with dyed hair that they can barely focus on giving the kids they bust an education. 

Sure, some may say, "what a about the kid that was in the news last year due to being  the star quarterback for the school's football team? He had dyed hair." I think we all know that this is different. After all, he was a star quarterback, and Ms. Galloway is not. If you're an athlete that holds your school's football team together, the school can't afford to get rid of you. That's silly talk.

I think everybody also must admit that blue hair is a slippery slope that leads to more dangerous behavior. Next, Galloway will be injecting marijuana and listening to questionable music like the Blink 182. Next thing you know, she's sacrificing a goat to one of the coolest of the demonic deities. If and when she does this in school, it could possibly be a bigger distraction than blue hair. Then, all the other kids start doing it, and at that point it's so common it's no longer a distraction.

Also, Ms. Galloway should think more about other people than herself. What about those kids with completely unhip parents that don't allow the very cool activity of sweet hair dying in blazin' colors? What about the poor kids that can only afford that spray on crap that doesn't even last a full day? What about the people that are offended by the blue hair, like the Smurfs?

The event got so out of hand, the pound symbol #savetheblue was created on the kids' Twitters. Many students in the school dressed in blue to support this deviant. That's something that if nothing else only strengthens my argument that Maegan Galloway is one of the most popular students at BCHS, unlike me. I would often sit in my desk, unable to pay attention to what my teacher was saying due to the tears I was crying internally. I was so unpopular, people wouldn't have even noticed if my hair were blue. 

We have to realize that our school systems are a place to turn every student into a carbon copy of each other. If such behavior continues, our school systems could become less like prisons and more like a place they go to learn. I fear the day my children are not forced by strangers I don't know to do things I will never know about because I ask them when I pick them up from school what they did and they put on their headphones while responding, "Ehh, nothing." They could even be granted Constitutional rights that should not apply to people under the age of 18, or 21, or 16, or whatever age that you think children become adults at. 

To the faculty of this school, I say thank you. To Ms. Galloway, the public waits for your apology.