The Osprey's Last Supper of Swiss Cheese

I do not apologize for the amount of time I have been spelunking in the depths of the dwarven black soul I still have. Will this be the tale of 2015? Is Obama the victor, even though for the first time a fine is posted on my taxes? Perhaps it is the fault of all the ostrich fuckers in Congress. But I don't worry. Times change with the wind. Things will get better, or at least that is what I tell myself.

It was the time for Super Bowl 49. The time when Americans marinade in a drunken orgy of alcohol, consumerism and stupidity. The mighty defense of the Seattle Seahawks attempt to take the torch from the evil, white, cheating New England Patriots. Scum of the Earth. The white man once again taking all the land for himself, leaving a trail of blood behind him. There was a necessity for alcohol, among other things. A combination of MDMA and five drops of liquid LSD topped off the whiskey. I didn't know why my shoes were on. Take them off. Simple fix. How else was I going to swat these damn owls away from my peripheral vision?

Thank God I had eight sticks of dynamite. But did I need to use them at a western themed bar? The people here may not understand. All of them too focused on the result of the bets placed just moments ago. All of these mangy dogs were completely ignorant of the current political atmosphere, but I supposed if I asked they would have an opinion on it. If only they put the effort and emotion they had for the pigskin into an understanding of the world and lack of humanity plaguing their pathetic existence.

Where the fuck was I? How many days have I been like this? Like some sad addict, I try to focus on how to learn to breathe again. I am probably paranoid that I forgot how, but it still could be better safe than sorry. I grabbed whatever 3 pills were in my pocket and quickly downed them, hoping they were some type of stimulant to remove me from this state. 

Wait... here was the end. All Seattle needed was Beast Mode to churn one yard and the sinister Patriots were expired. Implosion. The ball flew into the air, turned into a goddamn weird turtle... interception. Game over. 

When I woke I found myself with a remote control up my ass. Had Warren Sapp been here? Blood on the floor... a shark costume around my ankles... every season of Grey's Anatomy DVDs covered in what I hoped was peanut butter. It wasn't a crime scene. The blood was from the five chickens in the bathroom. The killings were clearly for sustenance. Still trances of Guy Fieri's stink in the kitchen. I'd recognize that horror anywhere. 

It was the day after the Super Bowl. Onto the next journey. The pain of yesterday will not linger. We move forward, into the unwritten eternity of tomorrow. 

Georgia Man Deserved More Than Execution

Ladies and gentlemen, and mostly ladies - I regret to inform you that I am entering 2015 with a news story of such a tragic nature. Game of Thrones was snubbed at the Golden Globes in favor of The Affair - a show nobody anywhere heard about ever. Not even the actors.

Moving on to a slightly less tragic story, yesterday Georgia executed Andrew Brannan. Brannan was a convicted murderer, a Vietnam vet with PTSD and suffering from bipolar disorder, and also friend of Mr. Green Jeans.

Brannan impersonator and Mr. Green Jeans

real Brannan

Brannan was sentenced to death after killing Deputy Kyle Dinkheller, and with all sincerity I cannot begin to empathize enough with those affected by this horrible tragedy.

I have a big problem, though, with the execution of Brannan. The execution of this man was not enough to satisfy my bloodlust, and I think our society can do better. I have done no research whatsoever on capital punishment, but I have trolled the Youtube.com comments section for what I hope is expert advice on this matter. One of the most important things people have told me about myself is "your an idiot." Since I never possessed an idiot, it's difficult to respond to this accusation.

It disgusts me that people only want the death of this man. Where are the real patriots that want the execution broadcast on every single TV station? The days of the town square execution are in the past, sadly, due to the fancy new technology that allows us to satisfy our bloodlust within the comfort of our own homes.We have to settle for TV violence, and we all know that's fake aside from Tosh.0 and Monday Night Raw.

Also, is 2 minutes of the agonizing pain and suffering from lethal injection enough to punish this man? Can't we as a society be a little more creative with our method of death? At least a multiple choice vote on method of death would be nice. I can only think how much happier I would be if criminals were forced to have a cheese grater slowly scrubbed along their chest, first rending their nipples, and force feeding them pieces of themselves til they die. This is what should be on TV, and my family deserves entertainment of at least this quality. And just imagine how happier we would all be if we could cut off a criminal's eyelids to see every moment of fear as we unleash a monkey, a wolf, a cobra and a chupacabra on this deviant. I'd be curled up by my wife and children, giggling at the chaos that followed. Then we'd go eat a ham.

One thing Georgia lawmakers did get right is by killing a mentally ill person. We don't have enough slayings of the mentally ill. However, it should be noted that the Georgia government did prevent evidence of Brannan's mental illness to be presented in trial. I'm sure some of the tin foil hat moonbats out there are ready to claim a conspiracy by government officials to get the maximum penalty for Brannan, and I actually agree. But I don't really care, because if it was we can certainly use more conspiracies to get executions of the mentally ill. I trust the Georgia government will have no problem with obliging that.

Recognizing My BLACK Privilege

Citizens, I am angered. Liberal jerkwad known as "The Raging Rev," known mostly for posting pictures of his hamburgers online, is up to spreading white hate again. I have a long running feud with The Rev, dating back to when I first read the headline to his current article and assumed what he wrote in that article.

No worries, citizens. I'm about to make this super lame-o look like a FOOL!

Mr. Rev drones about his "white privilege," or how being born white has helped him out in life. Let me start off with acknowledging the fact that this guy doesn't appear too privileged to me. I don't normally describe anybody that is well into adulthood and still clearly a virgin that scrapes by on minimum wage at a comic book store as privileged. I lived that sad life, and to this day I curse the 80 issues of the Death of Superman I bought thinking they would make me filthy rich. Didn't happen.

Then, Mr. Rev continues to point out that black people don't get the fair chance white people get, because slavery and stuff. I'll have you know, Mr. Rev, that my grandfather Ennis owned white slaves, too. You can see that in my favorite movie, 12 Years a Slave (proving I'm not a racist). Ennis's white slaves had little white slave babies of their own, and those babies had free babies that worked at slave wages for the growing industry of Ennis Farms. One of those babies grew up and became famed singer David Allen Coe. He had the same level playing field as every other white and black.

Mr. Rev continues into whining about how he had job security his whole life, while blacks don't get that sorta cool deal. Guess what? I've never had a job and I'm white. Things were so bad for me, I quit answering the phone the day after I sent out my application. I've busted my hump my whole life trying to find new and creative ways to dodge school. Here's a hint - don't try the things Zack Morris did.

Rev's article just gets silly going on. He begins to claim that what words mean is uncomfortable to talk about when discussing race. Pardon me, but churn that pickle out to Tuesday with flop on Bruce Willis's The Return of Bruno. That's what happens when the meaning of words don't matter. Mr. Rev even goes on to say that white people shouldn't use the "my black friend" defense. As for me (Thurston NeSmith), I think saying that people can't have black friends is racist. If it were your world, I'm sure all white people would have no black friends.

Perhaps Mr. Rev has accepted his own white privilege while wallowing in his improvershed filth of wearing the same old Dr. Who shirt crusted with protein stains. But me? I'm going to embrace my black privilege. I'm not a racist, and I believe that everyone can embrace their own black privilege, and toil the dirt and study a book or something else smart until they become somebody rich, like a Olive Garden chef. Citizens, do not own up to your white privilege. Embrace your black privilege. Be more like me.

Polls Show 100% of Blacks Agree with Ferguson Decision

After becoming the nation's top news reporter of this blog, I feel I must weigh in on the outrage in Ferguson. When dealing with the gravity of situations as dire as the death of Michael Brown, and the even more upsetting reality that many people wrong felt that the killer of Brown may have actually went as far as killing Brown, I like to turn to the facts that support my take on the situation which make any other facts of no use to me.

Officer Darren Wilson

As soon as I heard about the successful failure of indicting officer Darren Wilson, who is known for sharing a bedroom with an orange puppet on a popular children's television show, I became overwhelmed by how much work I'd have to do in reporting on this. Not only does this require me to write about this news, but I may actually have to go as far as doing research this time. Luckily, I found a way to let other people do the work for me. News outlets across the country have provided lots of numbers and polls that explain the situation in detail, and the twittersphere has provided me with numerous pictures of Martin Luther King Jr. with quotes beside his face that I'm going to guess he said while thinking that one day children of all races will be able to be fatally shot by law enforcement without the fear of the officer suffering any consequences of his actions.

Let me throw some numbers at you. 2... 5... the square root of negative pi. Aside from that, here are some more heartbreaking numbers. 15% of black people think Darren Wilson is the name of a sitcom character on some show they saw one time. Compare that to 85% of white people who answered the same questions. It gets worse. At least 3,459% of white and black people think that polling numbers are misleading. This is your America, people!

Another poll shows that 100% of black people named Bill Cosby think that these riots couldn't have come at a better time. And if you think that 100% figure seems unusual for a poll, another 100% of people answered that Darren Wilson is the best cop in the world if they are only given one answer to this question. It appears the majority has spoken with that figure, and justice has been served.

For a last comment, to all the vile rioters, please remain peaceful if you really want things to change. This article is brought to you by Little Ceaser's Pizza. Pizza pizza.

You Blue It

If you live in America, no doubt you've heard today's biggest news headline. A student of Bleckley County High School was sent home from school for having blue hair. Maegan Galloway, who is also known for having parents that were uncertain of the spelling of her first name at birth, rebelliously bucked the system that keeps the state of Georgia strong by dying her hair blue. Galloway was told not to return until she gave a bye job to the dye job.

I've been known to be a defender of the rights of the people, which is why I support the faculty that decided to get rid of this bad egg. Defenders of the school faculty point to the fact that the student handbook clearly informs the students that blue hair dye is not allowed, even though the school handbook doesn't do this at all.  Even more darning is the distraction created by this blue haired demon. Wait... what was I writing about? I was busy looking at this blue hair. It really makes her look cool. The point is, the only way to cure this distraction was by creating a bigger distraction by kicking her out of school. And who knows more about distractions than the faculty of BCHS? After all, they are so busy busting kids with dyed hair that they can barely focus on giving the kids they bust an education. 

Sure, some may say, "what a about the kid that was in the news last year due to being  the star quarterback for the school's football team? He had dyed hair." I think we all know that this is different. After all, he was a star quarterback, and Ms. Galloway is not. If you're an athlete that holds your school's football team together, the school can't afford to get rid of you. That's silly talk.

I think everybody also must admit that blue hair is a slippery slope that leads to more dangerous behavior. Next, Galloway will be injecting marijuana and listening to questionable music like the Blink 182. Next thing you know, she's sacrificing a goat to one of the coolest of the demonic deities. If and when she does this in school, it could possibly be a bigger distraction than blue hair. Then, all the other kids start doing it, and at that point it's so common it's no longer a distraction.

Also, Ms. Galloway should think more about other people than herself. What about those kids with completely unhip parents that don't allow the very cool activity of sweet hair dying in blazin' colors? What about the poor kids that can only afford that spray on crap that doesn't even last a full day? What about the people that are offended by the blue hair, like the Smurfs?

The event got so out of hand, the pound symbol #savetheblue was created on the kids' Twitters. Many students in the school dressed in blue to support this deviant. That's something that if nothing else only strengthens my argument that Maegan Galloway is one of the most popular students at BCHS, unlike me. I would often sit in my desk, unable to pay attention to what my teacher was saying due to the tears I was crying internally. I was so unpopular, people wouldn't have even noticed if my hair were blue. 

We have to realize that our school systems are a place to turn every student into a carbon copy of each other. If such behavior continues, our school systems could become less like prisons and more like a place they go to learn. I fear the day my children are not forced by strangers I don't know to do things I will never know about because I ask them when I pick them up from school what they did and they put on their headphones while responding, "Ehh, nothing." They could even be granted Constitutional rights that should not apply to people under the age of 18, or 21, or 16, or whatever age that you think children become adults at. 

To the faculty of this school, I say thank you. To Ms. Galloway, the public waits for your apology.