The Osprey's Last Supper of Swiss Cheese

I do not apologize for the amount of time I have been spelunking in the depths of the dwarven black soul I still have. Will this be the tale of 2015? Is Obama the victor, even though for the first time a fine is posted on my taxes? Perhaps it is the fault of all the ostrich fuckers in Congress. But I don't worry. Times change with the wind. Things will get better, or at least that is what I tell myself.

It was the time for Super Bowl 49. The time when Americans marinade in a drunken orgy of alcohol, consumerism and stupidity. The mighty defense of the Seattle Seahawks attempt to take the torch from the evil, white, cheating New England Patriots. Scum of the Earth. The white man once again taking all the land for himself, leaving a trail of blood behind him. There was a necessity for alcohol, among other things. A combination of MDMA and five drops of liquid LSD topped off the whiskey. I didn't know why my shoes were on. Take them off. Simple fix. How else was I going to swat these damn owls away from my peripheral vision?

Thank God I had eight sticks of dynamite. But did I need to use them at a western themed bar? The people here may not understand. All of them too focused on the result of the bets placed just moments ago. All of these mangy dogs were completely ignorant of the current political atmosphere, but I supposed if I asked they would have an opinion on it. If only they put the effort and emotion they had for the pigskin into an understanding of the world and lack of humanity plaguing their pathetic existence.

Where the fuck was I? How many days have I been like this? Like some sad addict, I try to focus on how to learn to breathe again. I am probably paranoid that I forgot how, but it still could be better safe than sorry. I grabbed whatever 3 pills were in my pocket and quickly downed them, hoping they were some type of stimulant to remove me from this state. 

Wait... here was the end. All Seattle needed was Beast Mode to churn one yard and the sinister Patriots were expired. Implosion. The ball flew into the air, turned into a goddamn weird turtle... interception. Game over. 

When I woke I found myself with a remote control up my ass. Had Warren Sapp been here? Blood on the floor... a shark costume around my ankles... every season of Grey's Anatomy DVDs covered in what I hoped was peanut butter. It wasn't a crime scene. The blood was from the five chickens in the bathroom. The killings were clearly for sustenance. Still trances of Guy Fieri's stink in the kitchen. I'd recognize that horror anywhere. 

It was the day after the Super Bowl. Onto the next journey. The pain of yesterday will not linger. We move forward, into the unwritten eternity of tomorrow. 

Georgia Man Deserved More Than Execution

Ladies and gentlemen, and mostly ladies - I regret to inform you that I am entering 2015 with a news story of such a tragic nature. Game of Thrones was snubbed at the Golden Globes in favor of The Affair - a show nobody anywhere heard about ever. Not even the actors.

Moving on to a slightly less tragic story, yesterday Georgia executed Andrew Brannan. Brannan was a convicted murderer, a Vietnam vet with PTSD and suffering from bipolar disorder, and also friend of Mr. Green Jeans.

Brannan impersonator and Mr. Green Jeans

real Brannan

Brannan was sentenced to death after killing Deputy Kyle Dinkheller, and with all sincerity I cannot begin to empathize enough with those affected by this horrible tragedy.

I have a big problem, though, with the execution of Brannan. The execution of this man was not enough to satisfy my bloodlust, and I think our society can do better. I have done no research whatsoever on capital punishment, but I have trolled the Youtube.com comments section for what I hope is expert advice on this matter. One of the most important things people have told me about myself is "your an idiot." Since I never possessed an idiot, it's difficult to respond to this accusation.

It disgusts me that people only want the death of this man. Where are the real patriots that want the execution broadcast on every single TV station? The days of the town square execution are in the past, sadly, due to the fancy new technology that allows us to satisfy our bloodlust within the comfort of our own homes.We have to settle for TV violence, and we all know that's fake aside from Tosh.0 and Monday Night Raw.

Also, is 2 minutes of the agonizing pain and suffering from lethal injection enough to punish this man? Can't we as a society be a little more creative with our method of death? At least a multiple choice vote on method of death would be nice. I can only think how much happier I would be if criminals were forced to have a cheese grater slowly scrubbed along their chest, first rending their nipples, and force feeding them pieces of themselves til they die. This is what should be on TV, and my family deserves entertainment of at least this quality. And just imagine how happier we would all be if we could cut off a criminal's eyelids to see every moment of fear as we unleash a monkey, a wolf, a cobra and a chupacabra on this deviant. I'd be curled up by my wife and children, giggling at the chaos that followed. Then we'd go eat a ham.

One thing Georgia lawmakers did get right is by killing a mentally ill person. We don't have enough slayings of the mentally ill. However, it should be noted that the Georgia government did prevent evidence of Brannan's mental illness to be presented in trial. I'm sure some of the tin foil hat moonbats out there are ready to claim a conspiracy by government officials to get the maximum penalty for Brannan, and I actually agree. But I don't really care, because if it was we can certainly use more conspiracies to get executions of the mentally ill. I trust the Georgia government will have no problem with obliging that.